


Ghost of a Chance

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, F/M, Romance, Series: Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-03-25
Updated: 2000-03-25
Packaged: 2018-11-10 15:03:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11129235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Ben and Phil are visited by the ghost of Bob Fraser who has some words of wisdom to share with them.This story is a sequel toYou Call This Lucky?.





	Ghost of a Chance

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me; Cat Madden belongs to Carol Trendall and is used with permission. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV, or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.

Ghost of a Chance

By Cassandra Hope

(Copyright December 1997)

 

__

August 20--The characteristics of the canyon change this morning. The river is broader, the walls more sloping, and composed of black slates, that stand on edge.

The river is still rapid...we run ten miles.

August 21--A quarter of a mile below camp the river turns abruptly to the left, and between camp and that point is very swift, running down in a long, broken chute, and piling up against the foot of the cliff, where it turns to the left...it seems impossible for us to escape the rock below...Below, the river turns again to the right, the canyon is very narrow, and we see in advance but a short distance. The water, too, is very swift, and there is no landing place. From around this curve there comes a mad roar, and down we are carried, with a dizzying velocity, to the head of another rapid. On either side, high over our heads, there are overhanging granite walls, and the sharp bends cut off our view, so that a few minutes will carry us into unknown waters...The excitement is so great that we forget the danger, until we hear the roar of the great fall below...

Just here we run out of the granite!

Ten miles in less than half a day, and limestone walls below.

Though we are out of the granite, the river is still swift...but we meet with no more great falls, or rapids...we make ten miles this afternoon; twenty miles, in all, today. ***

 

"Y

ou  
know, Phil. I keep hoping that you'll read something about leaving this  
hole in the earth behind, but each day you just read more and more of  
the same crap. Does this black rock-shit ever end?" Ray asked as he rose  
to his feet.

"Yes, Ray. In fact, we should leave the inner gorge some time today. Why, don't you like it down here?" Phil waved her hand broadly, taking in the sliver of beach, the canyon walls, the sky above, and the ever-present river behind her.

Ray glowered at Phil but bit back the comment as others in the group laughed. "I can think of other places I would rather be," he grumbled instead.

"Yeah, on a beach in California," several voices piped up. Ray stared at the group around him then joined in the laughter. As much as the thought of a beach in California pleased him, he realized with a start that he was actually enjoying himself on this excursion. He glanced around himself with newly opened eyes. The incessant murmur of the river painted a backdrop for the many individual noises and conversations that floated to his ears. He smiled when he noticed Ben and Phil sharing a quiet conversation as she handed the small book she read from to the Mountie. He also noticed the perturbed grimace on Mara's face. _'Uh oh,'_ he thought, _'I wonder what she has up her sleeve for today?'_

Whatever it was it would have to wait until later as the group broke up and spread out to their respective dories. The boats were loaded and the seventh day of the excursion commenced. Ben, Ray, and Clayton Evers joined Phil in the 

Glen Canyon.

"Any chance of a repeat performance like Crystal anytime soon?" Ray crossed his fingers as he asked Travis, hoping they were out of the worst of the rapids.

Travis rowed placidly into the current then shipped his oars. A knowing smile curved his lips as he regarded the man sitting beside Phil in the stern of the dory. "The only thing left that remotely compares with Crystal is Lava Falls, Phil's nemesis."

"Yeah, go ahead and remind me, Travis!" Phil grinned back at the unrepentant boatman.

Travis shrugged matter-of-factly. "Maybe this will be your lucky year!"

"Frankly I feel lucky that no one was hurt yesterday." She stole a glance toward Ben. Just the memory of waiting for him to surface sent a cold shiver of fear down her spine and her heart racing.

"Amen to that, Phil, amen to that." 

Phil nodded to the others in the boat. She absentmindedly stroked her temples, feeling the precursors of a headache determined to not let it stop her nor develop into a migraine. She had better things to do than nurse a headache. 

The group of four dories and two rafts encountered Bass Rapids, Shinumo Rapids, Hakatai Rapids, and, finally, Walthenberg Rapids in succession. Each had its own beauty and heart-stopping terror, but each was encountered and overcome with no mishaps to mar this day.

Phil massaged her temples once more praying that the headache would not be a bad one. She knew that the let down from yesterday's adventure was partially responsible for it. She also knew that a large part was a direct result of her constant worry concerning her relationships with Martin and Ben. She dug beneath her seat then hissed in frustration. She'd given Carol her migraine medication to place in the watertight medical kit. 

"I have some aspirin, if that will help," Ray said.

"Thanks, Ray, I appreciate it." She gladly accepted the aspirin and took a long swallow from her canteen. Maybe the aspirin would be enough to stop the headache from developing into a migraine. That's all she needed on this trip--a migraine to make her sicker than a dog.

"Didn't you say that we'd be out of this black shit sometime today?" Ray leaned close to Phil and glowered at her. 

"Ray, that's no way to talk about some of the oldest rocks exposed at the earth's surface!" Phil said in mock offense.

He sat back and crossed his arms on his chest. Stretching out his legs, he crossed them as well. "Well, I'm getting tired of it anyway. It seems to me that the worst of the rapids occurs in this black shit. Weren't the rapids we went through when we were in the red and brown shit not as bad?"

"Yeah, you noticed?" she asked with exaggerated movements.

"How could I not?"

Imitating Ray's stance, Phil crossed her arms and legs. "Well, you're not the only one who noticed. When Powell made this same trip there were several times when the river swung back south into these metamorphics...Powell called it the granite...and they knew they were in for more of these rapids. In fact, each time the river turned south they debated whether or not to abandon the boats and try to climb out. But the river invariably turned west again and they left the granite behind."

Ray closed his eyes and asked in mock irritation, "So...do we or do we not get out of this black shit today?"

Phil buried her face in her hands while the others laughed. "Ray, Ray, Ray. Would it hurt you to say the right word?" She peered at him through her fingers. The others turned to regard Ray.

Ray straightened on the seat of the dory. "What? What did I say?"

"It's not what you said as much as how you said it." Clayton, the fourth man in the dory, snickered. "Say it, Ray. Say meta...morphic...rock."

"Ray, you can say it--metamorphic! See it doesn't hurt and I promise you it won't kill you."

Wide-eyed, Ray stared at his friend. "Not you, too, Benny!"

"Ray, if you don't say it, Spuds will keep at you until you wished you never ever came on this trip!" Travis grinned at Phil and winked conspiratorially.

Ray scrunched his face up in a pout. "I wished that from the beginning!"

"Now, Ray, you know that's not true."

"Yes, it is, Benny. You just won't listen to me. Nobody listens to me!" Ray threw his hands up in a characteristic Italian gesture of annoyance.

"I'm listening, Ray. And I still haven't heard you say it right!" Phil couldn't help but needle him a little bit, too. It helped take her mind off the headache settling behind her eyes and the panic that threatened to engulf her when she thought of Martin or Ben.

Ray glared around at the group in the dory. Every eye was on him--daring him to say it. "All right, I'll say it. METAMORPHIC SHIT! There now, are you satisfied?"

Amid the laughter, Phil managed a weak, "Yes, Ray." Straightening herself from where she'd doubled over during her fit of laughter, Phil pointed downstream. "See, Ray, the end of the black shit!"

This time, Ray joined in the laughter as the group of explorers passed mile 116 and emerged from the Upper Granite Gorge. A mile past there the boats beached themselves at one of the Canyon's garden spots: Elves Chasm.

"Okay, everybody. Stay around the lower pools." She glanced at Terry welcoming the short nod of agreement. "Terry will show you the best spots for a cool swim. But please be careful. The farther you go the more difficult and dangerous it gets. Watch out for the people below you if you do any climbing. You don't want to knock a rock down on someone. Meet back here in two hours." Phil dispensed the general instructions and watched as the people settled into their established groups. Dave McMillian and his students quickly left the remainder of the participants behind as they hurried to explore the narrow defile. Mara cast a wistful glance back at Ben then scurried to catch up with the other students. Terry led another small group at a more leisurely pace. Jack and Karen Sloan looped arms about each other and headed up the stream by themselves their heads close to each other.

__

'Newlyweds!' Phil smiled. Her eyes strayed in the direction of Ben. This was exactly the kind of honeymoon they had discussed. As if sensing her eyes upon him, Ben raised his to regard her. She quickly turned away and watched the rest of the group move off in pairs or trios. She closed her eyes and massaged the bridge of her nose.

"What are your plans, Phil?"

The hand on her shoulder came as a surprise and she jumped before turning to face Ben and his shadow, Ray. "I'm sorry, Ben. You startled me."

"You sure are jumpy today," Ray observed. "I guess the aspirin didn't work."

Phil ran a hand across her face and a sigh accompanied the self-deprecatory smile that settled in its wake. "I guess I am and no, the aspirin didn't help much." She turned and watched the last of the group disappear up Elves Chasm.

"How 'bout joining us?" Ray's question ended with a hopeful upward inflection.

"That would be lovely, Ray, but I think I'll stay here and see if I can't shake this headache before it turns into a migraine." She couldn't quite meet Ben's eyes. She knew he was watching her and she felt vulnerable--as if all her carefully constructed inner walls were on the verge of toppling and leaving her heart exposed to him.

"I think Phil just needs some time to herself." Ben said.

"You're probably right, Benny. Will you be all right?" Ray asked Phil.

Phil nodded. "I just need to take my medicine and lay down for a few minutes, preferably where it's quiet. I'll hike with you some other time." Nodding their understanding, the men made their farewells. "Oh, before you go...could I ask a big favor of you?"

"Of course," Ben answered for the two of them.

Phil unloosed the camera from around her neck and handed it to Ben. "Would you mind taking some pictures of the others? I always put together a photo album of each trip for the participants. It's sort of like a reminder of the time spent together on the trip. It's one of the 'personal touches' that BakTrak promises."

"Phil, if I know you, you already have enough photos of the Canyon to fill a small library." Phil grinned in acknowledgment. "Why do you need to take more--aside from your obsession with photography?"

"I've discovered that every trip is differentdifferent people, different difficulties, different mishaps, different adventures. If BakTrak put together an album of the Canyon of past trips it wouldn't have the same meaning to this group as would one that had photos of their experiences. Do you see what I mean?"

"I think I do." Ben captured Phil's eyes. "Do you keep a copy of each of your trips for yourself?"

"BakTrak always keeps a copy of every trip album." Phil answered noncommittally.

Recognizing her answer for what it was, Ben softly said, "That's not what I asked, Phil. Do you keep any for yourself?"

Phil lowered her eyes and stared at Ben through her lashes. She knew what he was asking--would she keep any photos of him? She ran her tongue over her lips. She already knew the answer to that question. Of course, she would keep copies of any photo of him. They would go into her file box containing her mementos of Benton Fraser. "I usually keep any photos that capture something new or unique," she hedged.

"And will there be anything new or unique about this trip?" Ben gently inquired.

"If you're going to explore Elves Chasm, I suggest to get a move on." Phil evaded Ben's question. "Just use your judgment, Ben, and get me some photos of the others as they explore."

"I'll do the best I can, Phil." He understood her reluctance to answer his question. It could lead to those 'things that needed discussing' that she felt needed to wait until after the trip. He understood her thinking but it was getting harder and harder to wait for that nebulous 'day' in the future when they could discuss what might still exist between them.

Ray watched the interplay between Ben and Phil. It was as if they had forgotten he was still there. He shook his head in amazement. How could two people, so obviously in love, ignore what was happening between them? Even if Phil claimed to love someone else, anyone could tell that her feelings for Ben were greater than for that other man. What had happened in the past to keep them at arm's length from each other? Couldn't they just pick up where they left off? He shook his head once more. Stubborn...just plain stubborn.

Phil watched as they left her and hiked into the shaded depths of the narrow cleft. An ache settled in the region of her heart. Why was he here? Why was he disturbing her peace again? Why did she feel like she was letting something precious slip through her fingers? Why couldn't Martin wipe Ben from her heart? She rubbed her temples and her eyes not surprised to find the beat of her headache matching the ache in her heart.

"Here, Phil." Carol handed Phil a vial of tablets and a canteen. "I could tell you were getting one of your headaches."

"Thanks, Carol. Have I ever told you how great it is having a doctor along for those times when we need one?" She shook the vial of tablets and turned so that Carol could see the yellowish green patches that marked the bruises she'd received during her ride through Hance.

Carol waggled a finger in Phil's face. "I think that's why you invited me along on that first trip. You thought you could get the services of a doctor for free." 

Phil flashed her a quick grin. "Well, there were some benefits from that trip."

"Yeah, I have to agree with you there." Carol glanced over at her husband. "Have I ever thanked you for inviting me on that trip?"

"There's no need, Carol. I'm glad you and Travis are happy together." Why couldn't she find that kind of happiness? Phil ran her hand across her forehead. Regrets added to the ache pounding behind her eyes.

Carol studied her friend. Phil had never been this edgy on any of the previous trips--not even the infamous 'Spuds' trip. Something was definitely bothering her and Carol wanted to help in any way she could. Somehow she knew that whatever was upsetting Phil had to be connected to the darkly handsome Benton Fraser. "Phil? Can I ask you a personal question?"

Surprised that Carol would ask that rather than just asking the question, Phil shrugged and gave a tiny nod to her head. "Of course you can. You and I have been friends for a long time. You know you can ask me just about anything. Now, that doesn't mean I'll answer you, but you can ask."

Carol smiled not quite sure how to phrase what she wanted to ask. Deciding on the direct approach, she tilted her head and inquired, "Is there something between you and Ben? Travis said that you two knew each other a long time ago. Anyone with a pair of eyes in his head can see the looks you two trade and after that song the other night..." 

Phil sighed and turned her back on her friend. She opened the vial and removed two tablets, took a swallow of water from the canteen and downed the tablets. "I need to stretch out and close my eyes for a few minutes," she murmured to herself.

"You're avoiding my question, Phil. If you don't want to tell me just say so and I won't ask again."

Phil glanced over her shoulder at Carol then turned back to face her. Warmed by the concern on her friend's face, she responded, "Do you remember when we first started corresponding over the Internet?" Carol nodded. "Do you remember me telling you about why I never married?"

"Something about being engaged once but that it didn't work out. You never found anyone who could replace that man in your heart." Comprehension dawned. "Ben?"

Phil bit her lips and nodded. Tears welled within her eyes.

Carol gently squeezed Phil's arm. "I'm so sorry, Phil. I didn't know. How are you able to handle him being here?" 

"I honestly don't know, Carol. I'm just taking it one day at a time. I don't know..." Phil gazed across the river, "...seeing him again...I don't know what to do. And..." Her voice faltered.

"And what, Phil?"

Phil shifted her sight back to her friend. "I've met someone, Carol. He's a doctor in Chicago."

"And?"

"And he's asked me to marry him."

Carol's face lit up. "Congratulations, Phil. It's about time." She hugged her friend.

"I haven't accepted yet, Carol, and now...now I don't think I can." A lone tear tracked down her cheek.

Carol held Phil at arm's length. She saw the confusion in her eyes. "Because of Ben?" Phil nodded. "Do you still love him?"

"I don't know, Carol. If you'd ask me that question a week ago I would have said a resounding no. But, now...now I just don't know. Can it be so wrong, Carol?"

"Can what be wrong, Phil?"

"Can it be so wrong for me to want to meet a man who would love me? I'm tired of living alone, Carol. I want children..." Lindy's baby face flashed before her eyes, "I want what you and Travis have. If I married Martin I could have that."

"But if you still love Ben then you wouldn't be happy with Martin. You bloody better not jump into marriage simply because you feel your biological clock ticking." Carol's reasonable tones brought the glimmer of a smile to Phil's lips.

"You certainly have a way of putting things in perspective, Carol." Using the back of her hand she wiped the errant tear from her face, drew in a deep cleansing breath, and smiled bravely at her friend.

"Well, for right now, why don't you stretch out on my raft. I can shift some things to make a place for you."

"Thanks, Carol, but I don't want to cause you any trouble."

"No trouble at all, Spuds." Travis now stood behind Carol. He had heard the tail end of the conversation between the two women. "Brian and I can move some stuff for you. And before you say no, think about this." He held up his hands. "The group needs you. If you aren't firing on all cylinders then the group suffers. Be gracious and let us help you in this small way."

Phil opened her mouth to protest but closed it when she realized how welcome a bed on the raft would be compared to resting on the ground. Besides, it would be mean-spirited to refuse the help so graciously offered by her friends. "Okay. Since you put it that way, how can I refuse?"

"Good girl!" Travis waved Brian over and the two men soon had a space for Phil ready on Carol's raft. They even rigged a small tarp to provide some shade.

"You guys are too good to me."

"And don't you bloody forget it, Spuds!"

She stretched out in the shaded space on the raft and closed her eyes. The ever-present murmur of the river soothed the pounding in her head. She shifted onto her side, nuzzling the pillow that had appeared out of nowhere. After several minutes, she slipped into a light nap.

The sounds of someone splashing in the water fell across her senses and drew her out of her nap. She slowly opened her eyes. A silver-haired gentleman sat on the edge of the raft with his pant's legs rolled up below his knees. His feet dangled in the water. Rhythmically kicking his feet, the man splashed water away from the raft out into the river.

"I was beginning to wonder if you were going to sleep all day." The man reached down and cupped a handful of water letting it dribble trough his fingers. 

Phil rolled over and sat up. She stifled a yawn before asking, "Do I know you?" Something about him was familiar. It was as if she had caught a glimpse of him somewhere.

"No, Phil. We've never actually met but I've heard a lot about you."

Puzzled, Phil's brows drew together. "You have? From whom?"

"Mostly from Caroline, but Benton has spoken about you, too."

"Caroline? And Ben?" Confused, Phil struggled to make sense of things. "Just who are you?"

"I'm Bob Fraser." He extended his hand then withdrew it. "Sorry, force of habit. They haven't worked that out yet."

"Worked what out?" Who was this man? Phil was certain that she'd never seen him before although there was something familiar about him.

"Oh, things."

"Things?" Phil edged away from this strange man. He said his name was Bob Fraser, as if that meant something to her. She didn't know any Bob Frasers, at least not directly. Ben's father had been a Robert Fraser but he had died years ago. She looked around searching for Travis or Terry or anyone but Bob was the only person she saw. She turned her attention back to him afraid that she was alone with a deranged man.

As if reading her mind, Bob sought to reassure her. "Oh, I'm dead. Have been for over 3 years."

"You're dead?" Phil asked, mouth agape. Now she was certain of it. The man talking to her was a real nutcase.

Bob narrowed his eyes and studied the woman slowing inching away from him. "Now, Phil, I'm surprised at you. Caroline said that you two had worked through this whole 'dead' thing."

Phil ceased her backward movements and stared at Bob. "Caroline?" This was the second time he had mentioned Caroline.

"Ah, Caroline, best wife a man could have." The tenderness of his voice was reflected on his features. He grinned as Phil's thoughts flashed across her face. "I'm not crazy and neither are you."

Something clicked in Phil's subconscious. Her mind's eye flew back to last summer and a collection of photos on a wall. Cat's wall.

__

'That's Bob Fraser, Ben's father.' Cat's voice echoed in her mind.

Phil stared at Bob. "Bob Fraser? Sgt. Robert Fraser? Ben's father?"

Bob smiled widely. "One and the same."

"But, but you...you can't be Ben's father. You're...you're dead."

"I know, I know. It happens to all of us." Bob watched the confused expressions ebb and flow across Phil's face. "Why does it surprise you that you can see me? Caroline gave me to understand that you two often visit."

"But...but I...I..."

"Now, she never said you had a speech impediment. Do you normally stutter like this or only when you're under stress?"

"I..." Phil drew in a calming breath before continuing, "I don't normally stammer. I guess I'm just a little surprised as well as puzzled. Why are you here? And why are you visiting me? You never did before. Did Caroline send you?"

"Questions, questions, questions. Caroline said you'd probably ask a million questions before you'd be convinced. So...go ahead." Bob slapped his thighs with his hands and leaned on them.

"What?"

"Go ahead and ask your questions."

Phil sat with her mouth hanging open. She quickly closed it, wondering all the while what kind of questions you would ask a ghost. "I don't really know where to start. How do I know you are who you say you are?"

"They all said you were stubborn. Caroline, Ben, Cathy, and..." He paused to make certain he had her attention, "...Lindy."

Phil felt as if a truck had hit her. Shakily she ran a hand through her short hair as she stared at Bob. The hand fluttered to her throat. "How do you know about Lindy?" she asked in little more than a whisper.

Giving Phil a look full of gentleness and sympathy, he shook his head before answering her. "I've listened to Benton moan and groan about how much he misses you and wishes he could change the past. I could handle that but then it began to affect others. You two nearly drove Cathy crazy this last Christmas. Do you have any idea how hard it was on her to not let you know that Benton was in Chicago as well?"

"I know." Phil hung her head. "As soon as I get home I'll give her a call and apologize. I just wished she'd told me that Ben was in Chicago..."

"She tried to, but you wouldn't let her," Bob gently chided.

"I know," Phil whispered as she drew her knees up and rested her chin on them. She stared across the river at the cliffs on the other side. "So close and yet so far apart," she whispered to herself before glancing sideways at Bob. "We're really a pair, aren't we?"

"Yes. You and Benton **are** a pair. This little infatuation you have with this doctor won't last. The sooner you realize that the better for all concerned."

Ignoring Bob's comment on Martin, Phil asked, "Better for whom? Ben? I knew that years ago, but Ben thought differently." She straightened and her next words were more forceful. "He left me for Victoria, remember? I've gotten over him. I don't love him anymore."

Bob swung his legs over into the raft. Leaning forward he spoke as if to a small recalcitrant child. "Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?" His finger drummed on her knee.

Phil's chin settled back onto her knees. "I honestly don't know anymore. I got over his leaving me. I even forgave him for not being there while Lindy lived. I've gotten on with my life."

Bob crossed his arms over his chest and squinted at Phil. "In what respect?"

Defensively, Phil blurted out, "I've dated other men. I haven't curled up into a ball and shut the world out."

"But you wanted to," Bob gently reminded her.

"Yes, I wanted to but Ben changed all of that. He taught me about love and I found I couldn't live without that in my life."

"So you flitted from relationship to relationship looking for love?"

Stung, Phil snapped, "You make it sound so...so cheap. I never let a relationship continue past the point where I discovered it wasn't going anywhere. I never gave myself to anyone the way I gave myself to Ben." Why did she feel the need to defend her actions? Shouldn't Ben be the one on trial here?

"Why?" Bob regarded her with somber curiosity.

"Why?" she huffed, "I...I don't know why. It isn't as if I haven't had the opportunity. I just couldn't have sex with someone I didn't love. Not after Ben, I couldn't." Not even with Lloyd or Martin as much as she'd tried to. Somehow, her attempts to become intimate with a man other than Ben met with failure.

Dropping her face into her hands, memories of shared love with Ben crowded all other thoughts from her mind. _'Damn him, anyway,'_ she thought. Why did she compare every man she met with him? Why did every man continue to come up short in that comparison? Had Ben ruined her chances of ever finding someone to replace him in her thoughts, her heart, her life? Was she doomed to live a life of loneliness?

Phil dragged her hands down her face gathering her scattered wits about her. Why was she discussing her sex life or lack thereof with Ben's father? That wasn't a topic she wanted to dwell on--especially not with Ben's father. She got enough of that from Caroline. Frantically, she scoured her thoughts for something else to discuss with this apparition. A hopeful smile slowly grew on her face as the perfect topic popped into her mind.

Bob nodded in approval when he saw the crooked smile on Phil's face. He had heard a lot about it and was pleased to finally see it for himself. Sometimes he despaired of his son and this woman ever coming to their senses. What would it take to make them listen to their own hearts?

"You mentioned Lindy. How do you know about her? I never told Ben." Phil's hand crept to her throat.

"I know, Phil. Don't you think he has a right to know about his daughter? My granddaughter?"

"Yes, he does. But not now--not until this trip is over. I've promised him that when this trip is over, we'll discuss those things that need to be discussed. I'll tell him then. I can't tell him now."

"Why not? It might help him understand why you feel the way you do." Bob was certain that everything would work out once the two of them began talking to each other--really talking.

"Tell him now? Bob, do you have any idea how that kind of news would affect him? As much as he hurt me, I have no desire to inflict that kind of pain on him. I want him to enjoy this trip. I don't want him spending the rest of our time together thinking about his daughter and mourning her loss. I know him. I know how he'd react. He'd draw up into himself and continue as if nothing was wrong. But inside, in his heart, a part of him would be dying. I can't do that to him." Her passionate response surprised her and she dropped her chin back onto her knees wondering why she was so considerate of his feelings. He hadn't considered hers all those years ago when he'd broken their engagement.

Never one to let a good argument drop, Bob asked, "Then what are you going to do?"

She sighed then gave a resigned shrug. "It's my responsibility to tell him and I will. I'll tell him later when he can deal with his grief privately."

"And if he can't deal with it?"

"I'll be there for him." As soon as she said it a peace settled over her. She **would** be there for him to help deal with the loss of their daughter. She knew it.

"He loves you."

"What?" Phil was startled by Bob's simple statement.

"He loves you. Oh, he does a pretty good job of convincing himself and others that he doesn't need you or anyone. But, it's a lie. Just like you." Kind, gentle eyes looked out of his weather beaten face.

"Me?" Phil whispered.

Bob nodded his head. When he spoke, his voice was filled with gentle understanding. "Living a lie, too afraid of getting hurt to take another chance. Phil, sometimes all you need in life is that second chance. Not many people get one. Don't let it slip away."

"I don't know, Bob. I honestly don't know." She felt her throat closing up with unshed tears.

"I understand, Phil. One more thing...about this doctor you're seeing, you don't have to settle for second best. Not if you don't want to." He looked up as if listening to another person. He nodded his head then turned his attention back to Phil. "I have to go now. Please think about what we've discussed."

"Wait. Don't go!" But Bob Fraser was gone. "Damn, there's so much I wanted to know...to ask you." She crossed her arms on her knees then rested her forehead on them.

"Phil...Phil..." She jerked her head up. Had Bob returned?

"Phil? Phil? Wake up." Carol's gentle shaking slowly penetrated Phil's dream. She opened her eyes and stared into the concerned gaze of her friend. "Hate to wake you but most everyone has returned and we need to repack the raft so we can continue."

Phil sat up and stretched. As she stood then stepped out of the raft she cast a casual glance around her. Almost everyone was staring at her. Feeling a blush creep into her face she mumbled something and reached for a pack. Carol took it from her and motioned back to where the others were gathered. Phil sent another glance toward the group noticing that she was no longer the center of attention. Only two people continued to stare at her. 

Carol squeezed her shoulder. "Are you all right? Do you still have your headache?"

Resting her face in her hands, she drew in several cleansing breaths. "I'm fine, Carol." She lifted her head and clasped her hands behind her neck before rotating her head back and forth. A slow smile crept across her features. "The headache's gone. Thanks, Dr. Hunter."

"My pleasure, Dr. McKenzie." The two friends shared a smile. Phil strode off to join the group. Travis and Terry soon had the raft ready to go.

Phil watched the preparations and soon entered her dory. The visit with Bob Fraser occupied her thoughts. She could still hear him saying, _"He loves you."_ He loved her? Unable to come to terms with that simple statement, Phil avoided Ben's eyes as much as possible. She didn't know if she could handle seeing what might or might not reside in the depths of those blue pools.

* * *

Ben sat in the bow of the 

Glen  
Canyon next to Phil. He was concerned about  
her, but she appeared to have recovered from the headache. Why then did  
she avoid looking directly at him? His hand sought hers. She sent a surprised  
glance at him before squeezing his hand in return. "Are you all right,  
Phil?" he asked softly.

"I'm fine, Ben. Really I am." Her reply was just as soft.

Ben grinned. "Do you know what fine means?" 

Phil grinned back. "Yeah. Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Rob told me that."

"Rob?"

"Yeah. He learned it from Beth's uncle."

"Beth?"

"Rob's wife." She smiled ruefully at the Mountie. "I keep forgetting that you haven't kept up with the goings and comings of the McKenzie clan." An echo of Lindy's loss briefly passed over her. "Rob's married and has two children. His wife's a teacher and Rob's on the staff at Cook County Hospital."

"I know."

"You know about Rob's family?"

"I know he's at Cook County Hospital," Ben answered. "Rob was my doctor when I was a patient there a little over two years ago..." His voice trailed off as he recalled the circumstances that necessitated his lengthy hospital stay. 

Phil watched the shadow of the pain of those episodes in Ben's life settle into his eyes. "I'm sorry to hear that Ben. What happened?"

Ben gazed down at his hands examining each finger in detail. How could he explain to Phil about the shooting? How could he tell her that he had tried to run away with Victoria and it was only Ray's bullet that had stopped him? If he told her that, he knew his chances with Phil would be gone like the smoke from a campfire. No, he wouldn't let that happen. Victoria had already destroyed his first chance with Phil. He would not let her destroy this one.

This one? Ben raised his eyes and searched Phil's face for some hint as to her feelings. Was this really a second chance to reclaim her love? The concern he saw in her eyes almost undid him. He quickly dropped his sight back to his hands. 

"Ben?" Phil watched Ben stare at his hands. She was concerned about his lack of response. Honestly, what could be so bad about a stay in the hospital that he couldn't share it with her? After all, it had happened over two years ago. Suddenly, it dawned on her. She recalled a conversation with Cat Madden. "Ben?" She gently separated his hands and held them in hers. "Does this have anything to do with Victoria?" The name was like ashes on her tongue.

Ben's startled reaction told her all she needed to know. "Cat told me some of what happened. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you." If she had tasted ashes before, what she tasted now could only be described as gall.

"I'm not." It was softly spoken but Phil heard it clearly over the sounds of the river. She watched Ben's gaze shift from his hands, still clasped in hers, to her face.

"I'm not, Phil. That incident only served to confirm something I already knew." He waited for a reaction from her. Perhaps it was the confusion and wariness in her eyes that made him continue. "I discovered that I never loved her. I..." confused, he stopped. Why had he almost said that he loved her? He pulled one of his hands free and ran it through his hair. "I have a feeling that this is one of those things that we shouldn't discuss here."

"I think I'd agree with you on that, Ben. Let's just add that to the list of things to discuss after this trip is over." She smiled warmly at him. "If we aren't careful, that list may take a long time to cover."

"Somehow that doesn't worry me, Phil." His voice was calm, his gaze steady considering the thoughts that boiled in his mind.

"Me neither, Ben." Phil returned his gaze, allowing herself to finally drown in the depths of his glacier blue eyes.

Ray smiled and turned his head to watch the other dories put into shore for that night's camp. He had caught snatches of the conversation between Ben and Phil. It looked like the two of them were on their way to patching up those differences that had come between them. He certainly hoped so. There was no doubt that this trip was helping Benny with whatever had unsettled him. 

Ray was concerned about his friend. To all appearances, Ben had been on the final countdown to self-destruction. It had frightened Ray to realize that his best friend was falling apart and there was nothing he could do except stand by and watch it happen. Maybe when this trip was over everything could get back to normal.

* * *

Camp was established near the end of Conquistador Aisle. At three miles, it was the longest straight stretch in the Canyon. Phil stepped in and orchestrated the dinner for that night. Salsa and chips, tacos, green-chile cheese enchiladas, pisole con queso, and chicken burritos topped the menu.

"Phil! I didn't know you could cook. How are you with Italian food? And would you marry me?" Ray grasped her hand and planted a noisy kiss on it.

That last question brought gales of laughter from the group with one notable exception--Ben. He saw nothing funny about it. In fact, it made him angry. Angry? Puzzled, Ben turned away. Why would Ray's joking proposal make him angry? Was he afraid that Phil might accept it? Why should that concern him? He turned back to watch Phil's reaction. Suddenly it mattered to him how she would react to Ray's proposal.

Phil placed a finger beside her mouth and gave the proposal due consideration. "I accept, Ray. Now I expect to be kept in the lifestyle I've grown accustomed to. First things first, you'll have to leave Chicago. I can't stand cities. We'll have to find a nice little cabin with no one around for miles. Then..."

Ray stared at her then burst out laughing. "Now, hold on just a minute. I think I'd better think about this marriage thing first. No offence, Phil, but I don't think I could stomach your lifestyle."

"None taken, Ray. There aren't many people who could." Phil chuckled with Ray.

Not one to let an opportunity pass, Ray added, "Benny could."

Phil's eyes flew from Ray and sought out Ben. Of course, he could. That's one of the reasons they had made such a perfect couple. But that was a long time ago and things changed. Momentarily at a loss for words, all she could say was, "I'm quite sure any Mountie could tolerate my lifestyle, Ray." What would Ben say if he knew she lived in Chicago and not in the mountains of Colorado? Would it make any difference to him?

"Phil, I'm broken-hearted. Any Mountie? Why not me?" Ben's mouth dropped open. Had he just asked that? Why did he ask that? Why was her answer so important? Ben waited, his desires for Phil battling with his cautious nature. 

Phil swallowed and glanced around her. There were too many inquisitive eyes for her peace of mind. Why not Ben? Why? Because he had had that chance once before but had thrown it away. But that was something that did not need to be shared with the others gathered around them. She propped a hand on her hip and scrutinized Ben. "I don't know, Ben. Have you got any bad habits? Do you like cats? I'd have to check your references." 

Laughter spread throughout the group just as Phil had hoped. She smiled with everyone but her eyes were locked with Ben's. She knew she shouldn't let him see what was in her thoughts but found she didn't care. She could see the desire burning in his eyes and a wounded fearfulness that underlay everything.

Ben finally tore his gaze away from Phil's. He knew his feelings were open and exposed to her but he no longer cared. He had stared into her eyes searching for anything, a crumb, of the love they had once shared. He watched the desire flicker and flame in the depths of her brown eyes. He had also seen understanding and wariness there. Why was he feeling like this? He no longer loved Phil, did he?

Mara's lips curled up in an almost sneer. She definitely did not like the direction this conversation was taking. Staring boldly at Phil, she again wondered what it was about the woman that attracted the attention of these men. Granted, she was intelligent and seemed to be able to fit in most anywhere but **really** there was nothing special about her. At least nothing that should command the attention she received. She didn't even encourage Ben or Ray or any of the other men. What then was it? Was she secretly screwing the men of the group? Visions of Phil flitting from tent to sleeping bag to bedroll crossed her mind. Contemptuously she raked her eyes up and down Phil's body. _'That's probably the only way she gets any!'_

The group scattered to their after dinner chores. Ben gladly accepted a dishtowel and dried dishes. His eyes occasionally strayed from his chore seeking out Phil's slight frame. Why was she here? Why did she have to be on this trip? He was doing fine before this. _'Yeah, fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. I certainly am FINE,'_ Ben chided himself. He quickly finished the last of the dishes then strolled down to the water's edge. But even here Phil's silver laughter reached him.

Feeling panic slowing begin to engulf himself, Ben knew he needed some time to himself to sort out his feelings. This afternoon in the dory, with his hand in Phil's, he could easily have told her that he loved her. How could he say that? He didn't believe in love anymore and Phil had no reason to believe anything he said to her in that respect. What could have possibly possessed him this afternoon?

"Hey, Benny," Ray strolled up beside his friend.

"Ray."

Ray studied his friend noting the tenseness of his stance and the confused, haunted look to his features. "Got a problem?"

Ben breathed deeply. "No, Ray, I just..." Words failed him.

Phil's voice drifted to them followed by Mara's laughter. Ray noticed the sudden tightening of Ben's expression. 

"I...I think I need some time to myself, Ray. I'm not used to being with people all the time. Even in Chicago, I have time to myself. Here, there's never a chance to be alone."

Ray smiled at Ben's babbling. Placing a hand on his friend's shoulder, he suggested, "Why don't you take a hike? This beach seems to be plenty wide and I bet you can find someplace all to yourself that even Mara can't find."

Startled, Ben glanced at Ray then smiled. "That's a good idea, Ray." He turned and started away from his friend then stopped. Turning back to Ray, he said, "Thanks, Ray, for coming with me."

Ray smiled. "No problem, Benny."

Ben hiked from the camp at Hundred and Twenty-two Mile Creek in the direction of Forster Rapids. Their sullen boom carried to him and he was drawn in that direction. Climbing over rocks, he eventually climbed high enough to see the rapids in the distance. He turned and looked back at the camp behind and below him. He could barely make out the people. Phil he spotted immediately, her bright T-shirt acting as a beacon. For some reason his eyes seemed drawn to her wherever she might be. 

"How am I ever going to get you out of my mind, Phil? How can I forget you? I came on this trip to get away from you and yet here you are. Phil..." Ben collapsed onto the rock he stood on. He stared ahead at the rapids, turning his back on the camp. Drawing his knees up, he rested his chin on his folded arms and watched the sunset paint the walls of the Canyon in shades of red, orange, and golden browns. Shadows cast patches of blues and purples.

"Amazing. This canyon is certainly one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen." Bob Fraser slid his ample frame down beside his son.

Ben nodded in agreement. He cast a speculative eye towards the specter of his father. "I see you've changed your clothes."

"Had to. That parka was just a tad uncomfortable. These jeans feel much better. You know, I even got my feet wet today."

Intrigued, Ben asked, "Really? Just how did you manage that?"

"Well, I took my shoes off, rolled the legs of my pants up, and put my feet in the water. Just how do you think I did it?" Bob turned his head and gazed squarely at his son.

Ben rolled his eyes. "Sometimes I'm not sure, Dad."

"Like now?"

"What do you mean?" Ben turned a puzzled face to Bob.

"You're not sure of your feelings for Phil."

Ben coughed nervously. He had come all this way to get away from Phil and now here was his father talking about her. Couldn't everyone just leave him alone? He closed his eyes and rested his face on his folded arms. "I don't want to discuss her, Dad."

"I understand, Son. But she's not going to go away. At least, not for several days. Do you want her to?"

Ben lifted his head and stared at his father, "I don't know anymore. Sometimes I curse the day I met her and other times..." Compressing his lips, he whispered, "...other times I can't imagine life without her. I don't know what I'm going to do. What should I do, Dad?"

Bob regarded his son. He shook his head. Stubborn. Headstrong. Obstinate. "Do you remember what I told you about Cathy?"

"Cat?" 

"Yes. Back when you were first attracted to her?" Bob picked at an imaginary speck of lint on his shirt.

"I remember you telling me a great many things, Dad. Which one did you have in mind?"

"I told you that Cathy wasn't your average girl. If you were interested in her you needed to make your intentions known."

Ben smiled slowly. "I remember. You also said something about half the RCMP having their eyes on her as well."

"Well, it was the truth."

"Yes, it was. Along with the fact that Cat pretty much had her eyes on them as well." Bob shared a chuckle with Ben.

"That also is true. I'm glad that she's finally found the man she's been looking for."

"I am too. I just..." Ben sighed deeply. "I don't know, Dad. When we were together I could think of no one else. I truly loved her and she loved me. Why couldn't we make a go of it?"

"I don't know, Son. You'd have made me very happy if you'd married her."

"I would've been happy, too. But she said there was something lacking, something that I couldn't give her." Ben bowed his head then continued, "Why are you bringing up Cat? I thought you had some words of wisdom concerning Phil."

"I do, Son. I told you to reach out with both hands for Cathy or someone would snatch her out from beneath your nose. Now I'm telling you the same thing with Phil. If you want her you're going to have to 'take the bull by the horns' and let her know."

"It's not that simple. I lost that chance years ago and frankly, Dad, I don't know if I want to take that chance again. Love hurts too much and I don't think I can handle losing her a second time."

Bob studied the bowed head of his son. "Son, if you don't take advantage of this time you two have here in this canyon, you **will** lose her." Bob watched his son raise his face to him. "I wasn't going to tell you this, Son, but I think you should know. Phil's been seeing someone else."

"I know."

"You do? Well, what are you going to do about it?" 

"There's nothing I can do, Dad. She has to be free to make her own decisions."

"At the risk of losing her forever?" Bob stressed the final word.

A quick jerk of his head was answer enough. Ben swallowed convulsively. "He's asked her to marry him. Dad, I don't know what to do. Am I too late?" Ben dropped his face back into his hands.

"She hasn't given him an answer yet. In fact, she's very confused. You still have a chance, Son. Don't let it get away from you."

Martin Stevenson had beaten him to Phil. Self-recriminations flew as Ben realized that his refusal to contact Phil this past winter had led to someone else snatching away the woman he loved. His father's final words penetrated his gloom. "A chance? How can I still have a chance with her, Dad?"

Bob smiled at his son. "Did I ever tell you about how your mother and I met?" 

"Several times."

"Oh? Well, then, did I ever tell you about the time your mother left me?"

"Left you?" Ben lifted his head and regarded the image of his father.

"Packed up her bags and left me. It took me almost two months to find her. Those were the longest two months of my life. The cabin had burned down and we'd spent two months in an igloo as I rebuilt the cabin. Then she up and left me. I mean..." Bob paused, drew in a shaky breath then continued, "I came home one day and she was gone. Not a word of warning or anything just one moment she was there and the next she was gone. I tell you, Benton, I never understood that woman."

"Why did she leave you?"

"I was gone tracking Percival Sebastian up past the Arctic Circle. Finally found that bastard--frozen to death. Fell through the pack ice and froze. Horrible way to die, if you asked me."

Ben tilted his head. "And getting shot is any better?"

"Kind of comes with the territory, if you know what I mean." Bob casually waved his hand in the air.

"I think I do. You were telling me about Mom...why she left you."

"I was, wasn't I? Let's see. Oh yeah, she left me when she found out she was carrying you."

Stunned, Ben's mouth dropped open. "She left you because she was pregnant with me?"

"Yes. Never could understand that. It seems she didn't want to be alone when the baby came so she left me and went to stay with David Orpingalik's family. At least, that's where I finally found her. She was one headstrong woman."

"So she didn't really leave you?"

"Oh, she left me all right. Swore she'd never come back. I still don't know what it was that convinced her to come back with me." Bob shook his head. That was something he'd have to ask Caroline when he saw her again. "Point is, Son, I got a second chance with your mother. I never let her leave me again. I bound her to me with bonds that were stronger than anything the world could throw at useven death."

"And what bonds were those?"

"Love, Son. I loved your mother more than life itself and she knew that. I never let a day pass that I didn't tell her that I loved her. It was in every letter I wrote her, every glance I gave her, every kiss I gave her...I loved her. Even after she was taken from us the bonds that joined us survived. I never loved another woman the way I loved Caroline. The way you love Phil. The peace missing in your life will only come after you've acknowledge what's in your heart."

"I don't want to love again, Dad. Love hurts too much." Ben buried his face in his hands.

"That's all a part of love, Benton. With all the joy and happiness of love there will always be a little pain. Your trouble, Son, is you've lived so long in your loneliness and misery that you don't know how to let go and love again. You don't know how to be happy."

Ben glanced sideways at his father. "But what if Phil doesn't feel the same?"

"She loves you."

"What?" Ben's head came up. That wasn't what he'd expected to hear from his father. After all, she was practically engaged to this doctor. "What makes you say that?"

"I think you two are the only ones who can't see the love you have for each other. Isn't that what Cathy tried to tell you. What Becka tried to tell you?" Ben closed his eyes then nodded his head. "They both went out of their way to try and get you two back together. Usually you listen to

what they have to say. Why not this time?"

"I guess I didn't want to hear it. I convinced myself that Phil didn't love me anymore. If she did, wouldn't she have contacted me?"

"Maybe she was just as scared as you were."

"Maybe..."

"You know I'm right. You just have to hope that Phil acknowledges what's in her heart as well and doesn't accept this man's proposal."

"Then I'm right back where I started. Phil will never let me get close to her again. I hurt her. She will never trust me and without trust there can't be love." His head drooped once more.

"True. But I think Phil might surprise you. Don't give up on something before you give it a chance. I cannot imagine how I would have felt had I not gone after your mother. I would never have known you nor your sister." Bob paused. _'Like you will never know your own daughter,'_ he thought.

"Benton," he continued, "...it takes a strong man to admit he's made a mistake. It takes an even stronger man to right that mistake. Are you strong enough?"

Burying his face in his hands, Ben whispered, "I don't know, Dad."

Bob nodded. "Understood. Just don't wait too long, Benton. Don't let this second chance go. There won't be another one."

"I think that's what I'm afraid of, Dad. That this is my only chance and I'll make some kind of mistake and lose it and Phil all over again. I don't think I can survive that."

Bob smiled and laid a hand on Ben shoulder. "Do what's right, Son. Just do what's right."

As insubstantial as the hand was, Ben swore that he could feel the weight of it on his shoulder. "I'll try."

"That's all I ask. You've always made me proud, Benton. Always." Bob gave Ben a final smile then was gone.

Ben rose from his seat on the rock and began the slow journey back to camp. What did he want? Was he willing to open his heart to Phil knowing that she would probably reject him? How did his father know that Phil loved him? Was he willing to take that second chance? Did he have the strength to do that? 

Still, the thought of someone else receiving her love sent him into a panic. He had to see if the Phil he had loved still existed. He had to see if she could love him again.

* * *

Ray watched Ben begin the ascent up the slope of boulders. Why did he suddenly need some time alone? How much more alone could he get than here in the bottom of the Grand Canyon? Maybe what he really meant was that he needed some time away from Phil. Any fool with eyes in their head could tell that something was going on between the oh-so-uptight Mountie and the devil-may-care spirited leader of this group.

Ray shook his head and turned back to his work. Staring at the tent bag propped against a boulder, he gritted his teeth. The seventh day of this ordeal and he still had not conquered the common, every day, 2-man backpacking tent. "Easy to assemble. Yeah, right! Anyone with an engineering degree can put one of these together," Ray sarcastically addressed the tent. _'Either that or grow up living the life of Daniel Boone or Davy Crockett.'_ He struggled with the tent, finally removing it from its bag. Spreading it on the ground, he stared in perplexity at the shelter. What went where? And just what the hell were those things? Weren't those the stakes? He dug in the bag looking for the directions. No luck. If there had been directions with the tent, they were long gone.

Ray sent a resigned look in the direction Ben had taken. It looked like he'd have to wait for Ben to return before he could set up the tent.

"If you take those plastic tube pieces with the cord running through them and connect them, you'll have the supports for your tent."

Ray turned at the sound of Phil's voice and grinned at her. "A little obvious, am I?"

"Not really. It's just that you haven't had any practice setting one of these things up. I've noticed how Ben takes over this and you sit back and smile at him."

Ray laughed. "I didn't think I was that obvious, Phil!"

"I'll say this for you--you certainly know how to hit him with that old 'guilt trip' routine."

"Me? Use the 'guilt trip' routine on him?"

Phil placed the back of her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes. "Fraser, I only came on this trip because of you. If it wasn't for our friendship, I'd be sitting on a beach in California surrounded by half-naked babes and drinking frozen margaritas."

Ray chuckled. "I hadn't thought of that one. Here let me try." Ray dutifully placed his hand to his forehead and closed his eyes. "Fraser, ya gotta know I came on..."

"No, Ray. You've got your hand wrong. Here...like this." She again placed the back of her hand to her forehead.

Ray studied the hand carefully, then replaced his. "Like this?"

Phil shook her head and grasping his hand in hers, rotated it. "No, like this."

"Oh, okay. Let me see. I was at the 'sacrificing for you' stage." He began his woeful litany once more. After several more false starts, Ray was finally satisfied with it. "Benny will have a cow when he hears this." He dropped his hand to his side and stared at the tent. "But it still

doesn't solve my problem. Do you know anything about setting up these things?"

Phil shrugged matter-of-factly. "I've had a little experience. Why don't I talk through it? That way you can honestly tell Ben that you did it all by yourself."

Ray perked up at that idea. "Yeah, that does sound better than _'Phil helped me put it up.'_ He's not likely to throttle me for doing it myself."

"Throttle you? What for?"

Ray lowered his voice and whispered beside his hand, "For spending time with you."

"Ray, who I chose to spend my time with is none of his concern. So let's just drop the Mountie and get your tent up. Okay?"

"Okay."

Phil talked Ray through setting up the tent. In less than ten minutes Ray stepped back and admired his work. Wouldn't Benny be surprised? And he had done it all by himself.

Phil stood and motioned toward her makeshift bed on Carol's raft. "I was just heading to bed. After that headache today, I think I'll make it an early evening. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow."

Ray watched as Phil wandered in the direction of the fire. He could hear her goodnights and the replies. Over her head the canyon walls deepened from orange to rust then to dull brown as the sun set behind the cliffs. He stifled a yawn, realizing that Phil wouldn't be the only one calling it an early night. He didn't know what it was but, for some reason, he slept like a log. "Must be the air," he mused as he crawled into the tent and spread out his bedding.

He lay down on the bedding and stared up through the vent panel in the apex of the tent. The stars were scattered across the night sky like thousands of tiny diamonds. Each one vying with the others to outshine them. Strange how he'd never noticed how bright the stars were back home.

"Stars, smars. If you've seen one, you've seen 'em all." Carmine Vecchio lounged on the other side of the tent.

"What are you doing here, Pop?"

"Looking after your interests, boy."

"I never liked being called 'boy' so don't do it."

"Anything you say, **Ray**." 

Ray rolled onto his side with his back to his father's image. Maybe if he ignored the apparition, he'd go away. After several minutes he stealthily glanced over his shoulder. Vecchio Sr. calmly smoked a cigarette and sent smoke rings toward the ceiling vent. Sighing in disgust, Ray rolled to face his father. "What are you doing here, Pop?"

"Like I told you before, I'm looking after your interests." He motioned with his cigarette.

A long-suffering sigh escaped Ray's lips. "My interests? Just what interests would that be?"

Vecchio Sr. waved his hand in the general direction of Phil's raft. "Her."

"Phil?" Ray sat up and stared at the image of his father.

"Yeah, Phil." Vecchio Sr. screwed up his face as he said it. "What kinda name is that for a girl? No matter, she's one smart cookie, that one. You could do a lot worse than to marry someone with smarts."

"Marry? I have absolutely no intention of marrying!" Ray lay back down on his bedroll.

"With that kinda attitude you never will! You've gotta stake your claim on her before someone else does."

"In case you haven't noticed it--someone already has!"

"The Mountie? You gonna let that wishy-washy, stiff-as-a-corpse foreigner waltz away with your girl?"

Ray sat up and using a finger prodded the air where his father's ghost lay. "She's not my girl, Pop. And just what concern is that of yours?"

"It's about time you settled down and started a family."

"A family? And just what the hell do you know about raising a family? All you knew how to do was play pool and hit your kids. Don't talk to me about raising a family."

"I ain't getting any younger." Vecchio Sr. emphasized with his cigarette.

"Of course not, Pop, you're dead!"

"There you go--smart-mouthing me. Don't you got no respect for your elders?"

"Pop--I lost all respect for you years ago and nothing you ever do is gonna change that. So why don't ya leave and go back to..." Ray motioned with his hand, "...to wherever it is you go." To further stress his indifference to his father's opinions he lay back down and rolled placing his back to the apparition once more. Moments later, he again rolled back satisfied to notice his now empty tent.

Ray hated to admit it but what his father had said struck a sour note in him. Raise a family? Of course he wanted to raise a family but in order to do that he had to meet the right woman. The image that leaped unbidden into his thoughts was one that had haunted him for almost two years now. Casey Sinclair.

He'd sworn to himself not to contact Casey until he could forgive himself for his failure to protect her. Maybe she could forgive him but he couldn't. Damn, but he missed her. She wrote to him occasionally and he responded sporadically. He felt so damn guilty about what had happened. As time passed, he found it harder to take that step until it seemed like a huge gulf separated him from the woman he knew he still loved. If he wasn't careful he might end up like Ben or Phil--searching for the love that was right under their noses. Damn, but he missed her.

* * *

**__**

Journal entry: 6 September 1997

Ray has recovered from his bout with dehydration. He is drinking more water than I have ever seen him. He swears that if he drinks much more water, his eyeballs will float away. He drinks the water anyway. I don't think he wants Phil to 'chew him out' as he put it. I have been on the receiving end of one of Phil's dressing downs and I tend to agree with Ray. It's better to stay on her good side than to get on her bad. However, Phil is not even in the same league as Cat. Ray should be thankful that he hasn't received one of Cat's tongue-lashings.

I climbed high above the camp this evening and watched the sunset in solitude. The Canyon is beautiful beyond comparison. I'm glad Ray and I chose to come on this trip.

I'm glad Phil is here. It's uncanny. Our first trip through the Canyon together would have been our honeymoon if things had worked out differently. I see her and I'm reminded of all the plans we made. Is it possible to rebuild the dreams we once shared? Is it possible to rekindle the love we once had?

I don't know if it's possible. I only know this: I must try. I don't know if I have the strength that Dad spoke of, I only know I can't continue to live my life the way it is. I can't exist on the outskirts of other people's lives. Maybe what Cat said I said in my sleep all those years ago is true. Maybe Phil is the only one who can save me. I will never know unless I try. I will never know peace until I come to terms with what I've tried to suppress for these many years. Cat told me so years ago. I can't do it any more.

I love Phil McKenzie. I have always loved her and, I guess, I always will. This must be the bond that Dad spoke of--love that lasts a lifetime and beyond.

The one snake-in-the-grass impediment to my decision is this man that Phil is involved with. There are seven days left of this trip. I must make her fall out of love with this doctor and in love with me again. I must make her forget this man that has entered her life. I must get her back in my life.

Strange, as I write this entry, I feel a knot in my chest uncurl and a sense of quiet flows through me. I feel at peace with myself--something I haven't felt in years. Have I finally made the right decision?

* * *

To be continued (?)

*** Excerpted from _'First Through the Grand Canyon'_ by Major John Wesley Powell.

Copyright December 1997 by Cassandra Hope

Comments are welcome at 

baktrak@earthlink.net

 

****

Second Chances

(Book 3 of the Ben & Phil Saga)

  1. On a Collision Course--Redux
  2. Second Chances
  3. A Cop, a Mountie, and a Dory
  4. Rhyme of a Not-so-Ancient Mariner
  5. Down the Valley of the Shadow
  6. The Heart Remembers
  7. You Call This Lucky?
  8. Ghost of a Chance




End file.
